The Lie

I believed the lie.  I got sucked in and still struggle to see it for what it is.  My lie is partly truth and that is why it has been so hard to see The Whole Truth and Nothing but the Truth.
My lie started with the fact that our lives are FULL, BUSY AND STRESSFUL. We had a long and hard 2015.  As the New Year came we desired 2016 to be a year of rest.  We believe God is giving us time to rest, get our feet back on the ground and to regroup. 
This is all good and we know from The Lord.
The issue comes in when I got very protective of "my rest".  I got focused on "my needs".  I slowly and not realizing began to shut my ears to The Lord for fear He might open my eyes to a need around me or call me to love when I just want to "get a break". 
I began to feel more and more selfish and frustrated.  More and more resentful of anyone messing up "my time".
I kept telling myself, "I need this".
I have been dragging my feet as my hubby and I do a Bible Study called Experiencing God.
I went through this study in college and I love it.  It speaks right to my heart.  I was dragging my feet because somehow I didn't trust God.  I was afraid He would give me more to do. 
Well as He always does he finally broke through my wall I was building.  He shed light into my heart and revealed to me the root of my problem.
Trust!!!!
Can I really Trust God to only guide me to His perfect will? Can I trust God knows what I need? Can I trust God to make known to me where, when and how?

I have finally realized, (and write this to remind myself when I forget) He LOVES ME!  HE KNOWS ME!  HE KNOWS WHAT I NEED! 
HE knows we need to rest and regroup and He will be the one to protect our rest.  He is the one that will renew us. 
I can trust Him.  He will not call me to more than He can handle.  I sink when I take my eyes off of Him and try to do life in my own strength. 
His power and strength are unlimited!  And it is ALL I truly need!!!!

Bittersweet

As we began our recent adoption journey we knew we were taking a big risk.  God prepared our hearts that the picture in the end could look different than the plans we had laid before us.
We began our journey watching the news and praying over our little guy, "Raymond". Our paperwork was going smoothly and we were loving the amazing support group this time through.  We didn't care for the name our little guy was given on the website and we just felt he needed a name we would stick with.  We settled on the perfect name. It's meaning, "God is gracious" or "A Gift from God".
As the days past we began to become more certain that bringing him home was looking more and more impossible.  It wasn't really a lack of faith as much as feeling The Lord was preparing us for something different. We did not want to give up but we became so very weary.  We grieved over our little guy and not knowing anything about how he was doing. We had many discussions and each time decided to wait.
While waiting we had a last minute opportunity for our 8 year old to have a surgery we have been waiting for. Through that surgery and the 7 weeks of recovery we felt more and more like God was giving us a glimpse of the hard year ahead of us with multiple surgeries and a lot of traveling.  We prayed a lot and I personally struggled through a lot of feelings.  Trying to be wise but feeling selfish for praying about if bringing home another child with severe needs was even doable.  We know God called us to our little guy and I just kept trusting that maybe he has developed more and was more able than the website portrayed.  Trusting God knows us and knows our abilities much better than we do. Through this time, one of our mentors suggested making a plan B.  I struggled through plan B, C, D, E and F. We discussed many children and the possibility of not even continuing the adoption. Some days we flew above the circumstances somedays I got caught up in fear, somedays I grasped at straws and many times felt like giving up.  Through it all God renewed us and continued to give us peace that He had a plan.

The months have passed and it will soon be time to travel. We cannot postpone our travel too long due to many circumstances such as paperwork beginning to expire, upcoming major surgeries and honestly emotionally waiting forever takes a serious toll on us.
As we waited we saw a little guy that we thought might be a perfect fit with our family. We waited and just a few days later a family posted they were hoping to commit to him. Just a little later he was chosen. :). He has a family coming for him very soon. Praise God!
Again we waited but then we saw another little guy being advocated for that snagged our hearts. We considered his age and needs and couldn't stop dreaming about his cute little smile.  Then someone posted his link to another site- in his language. His picture with his name!  The same name we had chosen for our son. "A gift from God"

We decided as a family to commit to him, knowing our fist little guy "Raymond" would not be available for very long time if ever.
Soon after committing to our newest little guy we got word that Raymond was officially no longer available. Our hearts break for our first little guy that will most likely remain stuck in a place where he will get minimal care and most likely never have a family. We will NEVER FORGET HIM. We will always pray for him and hope for him to know and love God.

Every child is a blessing and every child deserves to be loved.  We are so grateful for the many ways God has blessed us and we desire to share His love with our hopefully soon, newest edition.

Please meet our "Gift From God" aka Ashton.



http://reecesrainbow.org/44083/ashton


And TRUELY already he has been a gift. To be joyful again about our adoption journey. To want to complete our paperwork that has sat while we waited. To be given a peek into who he is because someone we know has met him. To have updated information and to know where he is. And to see how God gave us a name that really is our son's name.

Please pray with us that God's Will is done here on earth as it is in heaven. That God will move every mountain out of the way and that this precious little guy's heart will be prepared to be loved beyond imagination, because he has A LOT of people that love him already.

Timothy the teddy bear

Gavin has a surgery buddy, his name is Timothy.

Timothy has been through a few surgeries with Gavin.

On Tuesday when we got the call that there was a last minute surgery opening we had to make some quick decisions.  We felt Gavin needed to help decide if he was ready to go have surgery.  When he woke up I asked him what he thought.  He immediately said "no, I don't want to have surgery.  I don't want to walk."  I told him we could think about it for awhile, we talked about all the good and bad things about surgery.  Gavin buried his face in his pillow and I was sure it was a "no-go".  Then he popped his head up and with and excited voice said, "if I go, can I take Timothy?" 

Well, of course you can  :)

Gavin had to talk to Timothy about this big decision.  They had to talk about the big surgery and the big trip.  After this talk Gavin looked at Timothy with the sweetest little look and said, "I'll do it just for you Timothy"!  Then he gave him a big kiss on the nose and needed a big hug.  

Timothy has been a good traveling buddy and surgery partner in his matching pajamas and casts. 

On the plane

Waiting for surgery

Legs facing forward!!!

Another great link about adoption

I haven't had a lot of time to put my own thoughts to blogging lately but I have run across many posts by others that say much of what I would say if I had the time and creative juices.  So for now I am cheating and posting another link to a post that is so very true and one that resonates with me in so many ways.

I feel like this lady has been a fly on my wall.

If you have adopted I am sure you can relate to much of this.  In some crazy way it feels good to know someone else understands.

If you are considering adopting, this is so true of so many families.
Please do not let it scare you away- but please read it and use it to know how to pray and allow God to prepare your heart for what is to come. 

I had read a lot and talked to so many about adoption but was still surprised at my own feelings through this process.  We are more often than not through the dark valley, but it often returns at times when life gets hard, when we do new things and sometimes when we are not expecting it. 

If you are a friend of a family that has adopted it is so helpful to understand what they may be experiencing.  Sometimes the mom needs to talk cause it is just plain hard.  We mom's get it, we understand the child's trauma and why they do what they do, but it is still hard to process, can be very painful and gets exhausting at times. Please do not give up on praying for that family once the child is home, because that is when the real hard stuff begins. 

When God calls you to it He WILL bring you through it and the blessings are real and He grows us in ways that are wonderful.  He will show His glory through the dark valley and on the other side you, your new child and the whole family will be blessed for it.

http://sparrow-fund.org/10-things-wish-knew-adoption

Level Failed!

Confessions of a very bored and lonely momma- sitting here trying not to think about how many more long hours before we go home to the rest of the family.

I play candy Crush a lot!!!!!!

How many times have I read those words

"Level Failed- you did not clear all the jelly"

How many times in our lives do we feel this way?  How many opportunities missed, harsh words spoken, how many times do I put my feelings first?  

So many times I have failed, but each time God gives me more life- another chance.  

Sometimes a level takes days to pass through, sometimes I seek help from a friend or tricks from the web.  Sometimes I get mad and fuss at my phone.  Sometimes I whiz through a level with little thought- kinda like someone else did all the work. 

Oh, this is so much like my life.

I thank God for more lives! I thank God for friends and places to turn for help and encouragement!  And I thank God that sometimes He just takes over.  

Off to conquer the next lesson with His help. ( And maybe another level in Candy Crush). ;). 

Beautiful Feet

Last Sunday our pastor commissioned our VBS workers.  In his sermon he focused on the beautiful feet that take the Gospel to others and he shared about the armor of God and that the feet are "shod with the preparation of the gospel of peace" Ephesians 6:15

As he was sharing my mind connected with our daughter Olya.

Her feet are crooked and bent.  She is not able to use her feet to go anywhere.

She is currently in casts to make her feet straight- to get them to be flat on the floor and it is our hope that soon she can wear shoes.

Her feet are not very useful to her.  Her feet are not what most would think of as beautiful.

I see her feet as a beautiful picture of her life.

She came to us with lots of hurts and scars.  Lots of things twisted and confused.  

But she came with determination and a desire for something more.

God has been molding and shaping her.  She has been bent and is getting stretched sometimes to the point of tears. 

Her heart like her muscles are loosening up and are more moldable.  

A couple weeks ago Olya went to a teen Bible camp.  God used the pastor to help her untangle some confusion.  God's spirit worked in her heart and she repented of her sin and asked Christ to be The Lord of her life.

God did surgery on her heart and now spiritually she has feet that can walk.  Now she can put on the shoes of readiness to take the Gospel of peace.  Soon she will have surgeries on her feet so physically she can walk.

It is our prayer that as God continues to mold her and as the doctors continue to reshape her feet that she would be prepared to take the gospel wherever God  leads.

"How beautiful are the feet of them that preach the gospel of peace, and bring glad tidings of good things!" Romans 15