Thursday, July 29, 2010

"I can't walk"

At almost age 5 Gavin is really starting to notice the world around him and has figured out he is not like other kids. He can't walk.

It really started to become apparent a few months ago when the kids were playing the Wii. The girls were making Gavin his own Mii, and his cousin said, in her really excited voice, "Gavin on the Wii you can walk." At the time, Gavin didn't seem phased, but that night in his sleep he started yelling, "I can't walk, I can't walk". Oh, how I cried.

Many times out of the blue, he would say, "I can't walk". Sometimes, I would say, "no you can't walk, but you are a great driver and you get to drive your cool bike all over". This didn't seem to make him very happy and a while later he said out of the blue, "my mom said I can't walk". Stab right to the heart. I think he was beginning to think it was my fault.

At an appointment the other day Gavin was being very fidgety and seemed frustrated, I asked him what he was doing and he said he wanted to get big. I had been praying for an opportunity to talk to him a little more and I felt this was it. I said, "why, so you can walk?" He said "yeah". I told him "remember we need to help your legs get straighter and do exercises to help your legs get strong then we will see if you can walk, but we don't know yet". He was so mad at me and he stuck his tongue out and said "No". I said, "Gavin does it make you mad that you can't walk?" He said "yeah". "Gavin it makes mommy sad that you can't walk and if you can walk someday I will be very happy!" "No, mommy you will cry," he said. I told him "no Gavin, Mommy would be very happy if you could walk". He didn't say anything else and he hasn't mentioned it all week. I don't know if that is what he needed to hear or if I just missed it all together and he doesn't want to talk about it, but he seems to be much less frustrated and I think he just needed to know that it is OK to be sad about it.

I just want to say, "Gavin it stinks that you can't walk and I would give anything to make it so, but ..........what else do I say? I love you the way you are, you are so special, you can drive a cool wheelchair". Right now it is hard to look past the fact that no matter how everyone includes him and no matter what we do to give him independence, the fact is he can't walk and run. He hasn't said it yet, but someday he will be saying I can't use my hands. He can't pick things up. He can't use a spoon to feed himself without some complicated gadget. Yeah, it stinks! It stinks! It stinks! and I need to give him the freedom to grieve over that fact, but I will not allow him to stay there. He is a trooper and he will find the good in it all. He will do like he does most of the time and he will live life to the fullest without concern about what he can't do and he will move forward doing what he can.

Please pray for us as we will be starting counseling next week. We are hoping to learn how we can help him deal with all of the life issues he will be facing. Finding ways to help him deal with his grief of not being able to walk and not being able to do a lot of things he will want to do, but to help him find joy in being who God made him to be.


  1. Praying for you. You are so wise, and Gavin is SO fortunate to have you as parents.

  2. I *wish* that Gavin could see himself the way we do. That he could truly know that even with his struggles he is so wonderful and amazing. That my kids don't think of him as any less but maybe even *more* than other kids.

    I *wish* Gavin could walk but I will *pray* that he sees, in Christ, he can be complete.

  3. I knew right when I saw the title of this post I'd be crying like a baby... yep, I am.
    You guys are doing so great with him, it sounds like your dealing with it in the best possible way.
    Heidi couldn't have said it more perfectly, we all love him so much!

  4. I have tears streaming down my face... Gavin is so blessed to have the parents he does. Ones that love him enough to let him grieve, yet guide and push him through these sorts of times he will face in his life.

    Heidi you put that perfectly.We will keep you guys in our prayers.

  5. Yeah, You got me too, I can't help but to shed a tear... I am so sad for the little guy... We will pray that he too can walk someday,. In the meantime pray for compfort and contentment in all. You guys are special. Your post puts our little struggles in perspective. I can't wait for heaven when we will not have these issues!
    Future Glory
    18 I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. 19 The creation waits in eager expectation for the sons of God to be revealed. 20 For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope 21 that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God.
    22 We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. 23 Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. 24 For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? 25 But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.

    26 In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. 27 And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will.

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  7. Stacy, you are a wonderful parent and are doing a great job with him (and all your others)! He's very blessed to have you in his life. Many prayers, my friend, I love you.

  8. Well Stacy, you know how I feel about all this and I am praying about how to help with your upcoming post. (Hope to have something this weekend for you!!) Know that I pray DAILY for you all and it does stink but he would be somewhere different in a different situation with different circumstances if he were different. I know he doesnt understand any of that today, but stay strong and continue to lean on The Healer!! Love you :)